she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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