She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
