tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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