doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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