He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
