I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
