Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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