I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
