No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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