She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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