Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
