New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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