i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
