How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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