So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
