I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
