My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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