Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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