weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
