so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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