A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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