I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
