hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
