I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
