I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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