Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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