i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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