This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He passed out mid-signature
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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