She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
