Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
