I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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