I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
