so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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