I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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