It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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