haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
