Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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