things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
