I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
