areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
