The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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