I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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