Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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