Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
