I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
