I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
