I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
