as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
