dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
