I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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