I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
