got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
