I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
