The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
