Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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