I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
